apparently the secret to your success is patron
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
