you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
