Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
