i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
