Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
