The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
