No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my shit smells like andre
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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