What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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