he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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