Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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