Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
A bitchslap is in order.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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