I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize