All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
