How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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