Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
