So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
