He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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