Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
