My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
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I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream