He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.