yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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