The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
