I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
