before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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