mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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