After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
