Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
