I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
