your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Girls should come with a carfax report
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
