That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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