im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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