____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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