i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
