He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
We left an ass print on the piano.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
