This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
