I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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