I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
