Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
