my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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