His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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