Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
