I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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