Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
