WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
