i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
