Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
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Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
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my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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