Don't make out with my wife yet
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
