FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
