I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
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I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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