my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
