It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
