Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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