i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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