I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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