Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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