Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize