they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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