i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
