I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
