farters have to be the big spoon...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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