Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
